Today, we’re sitting down with Tamara, a behavioural change expert with a unique blend of qualifications, including certifications in somatic trauma- informed coaching, functional medicine health coaching, and narcissistic abuse coaching. Tamara, thank you for joining us. Let’s dive right in.
Can you start by telling us why you believe self-compassion is the stepping stone towards sustainable change?
Self-compassion, in my view, is foundational to any lasting change, whether it’s related to trauma, lifestyle, or relationships. When people come to me, they often want to make significant changes in their lives—whether it’s overcoming trauma, improving their health through nutrition and movement, or navigating toxic relationships. But what they often overlook is the need for self-compassion as the starting point. Without it, change becomes incredibly difficult to sustain.
For those who might not be familiar, how do you define self-compassion, and why is it so critical?
Self-compassion, for me, is about approaching oneself with kindness and understanding, especially during difficult times. I draw a lot of inspiration from the work of Dr. Kristin Neff and Dr. Tara Brach, who have deeply influenced my understanding of self-compassion. They emphasise the importance of allowing ourselves to feel our emotions, even the unpleasant ones, and responding to them with kindness instead of judgement. This approach opens up our hearts and creates the space we need to process our emotions in a healthy way, which is essential for making sustainable changes.
You mentioned earlier that you incorporate the teachings of Dr. Neff into your work. Can you elaborate on the key components of self-compassion that you find most impactful?
Dr. Neff outlines three main components of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. First, mindfulness involves being aware of our emotions without becoming overly identified with them. This means recognising that our emotions are just that—emotions, not who we are. Second, the idea of common humanity
reminds us that we are not alone in our struggles. Everyone experiences pain and difficulty, and this shared experience can be comforting. Finally, self-kindness is about treating ourselves with the same care and understanding that we would offer a friend. These components are crucial in helping my clients shift from a place of self-criticism to one of self-acceptance, which is necessary for lasting change.
How do you see self-compassion impacting the process of behavioural change in your clients?
Self-compassion fosters emotional resilience and mental well-being, which are critical for navigating the ups and downs of change. Research has shown that those who practise self-compassion experience lower levels of anxiety and depression, making them better equipped to handle challenges. For instance, if someone is trying to lose weight or improve their health, doing so from a place of self-compassion rather than self-criticism makes the process more sustainable. They’re more likely to see it as an act of self-care rather than a punishment, which leads to better long-term outcomes.
It sounds like self-compassion plays a significant role in various aspects of life. What are some of the specific areas you work on with your clients that are directly influenced by self-compassion?
There are several key areas where self-compassion is crucial: improved mental health, enhanced emotional resilience, healthier relationships, increased motivation and productivity, physical health benefits, improved self-worth and confidence, and a more balanced perspective on life. For example, when clients learn to set boundaries, which is often difficult, self-compassion helps them do so without feeling guilty. They start to understand that saying “no” isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for their well-being.
Setting boundaries seems like a common challenge for many. How do you approach this with clients who struggle with people-pleasing or fear of rejection?
Setting boundaries is indeed a major challenge, especially for those who are used to people-pleasing. We often work on awareness and mindfulness as the first step, because you can’t set boundaries if you’re not aware of your own needs. Then, we focus on introducing and integrating Non Violent Communication (by Marshall Rosenberg), positive psychology and character strengths to build the confidence needed to assert those boundaries. It’s about shifting the mindset from fearing rejection to understanding that setting boundaries is an act of self-respect and self-care.
You’ve touched on the idea that self-compassion isn’t just about feeling good— it’s a journey with ups and downs. Can you elaborate on that?
Self-compassion is not a destination; it’s an ongoing process. It requires patience, practice, and a commitment to self-love. Even those of us who are aware of its importance have bad days. What’s crucial is the awareness—recognizing when we’re being hard on ourselves and gently guiding ourselves back to a place of kindness. It’s not linear, and that’s okay. The key is to keep practising, even when it’s difficult.
That’s an important reminder. Before we wrap up, can you share some practical tips for cultivating self-compassion?
First, I recommend practising mindful meditation, which can be as simple as taking a few moments each day to tune into your thoughts and feelings without judgement. Next, challenge negative self-talk by asking yourself if you would speak to a friend the way you’re speaking to yourself. Keeping a self-compassion journal can also be helpful— jotting down moments where you’ve been kind to yourself or reflecting on what you’re grateful for. Engaging in self-care activities, whether it’s through proper nutrition, movement, or sleep, is another way to nurture self-compassion. Lastly, remember that seeking support is okay. Whether through friends, coaches, or therapists, having someone to guide you on this journey can make all the difference.
Thank you, Tamara, for sharing your insights on self-compassion and its role in sustainable change. It’s clear that this is a crucial element in your work and in helping others lead more fulfilling lives.
Thank you. It’s been a pleasure to share my thoughts, and I hope this conversation encourages others to start their own journey toward self-compassion.
Leave a comment